The strongest spirit one can pour is the truth.
— Nagasori Achíre
Sex was not what the stories and plays made it out to be. There was no opening of the clouds and shining light spearing down, no white explosions coursing through her veins, not even the blossoming of flowers. All the lyrical and poetic words that echoed in her head were erased with a simple realization that she had experience something new and it left her relatively untouched.
Linsan had to admit, it felt good with brief moments of pleasure, intimate whispers, and soft noises, and then the relief of being pulled into exhaustion from a day of fire and earth.
But, an hour later, she was staring at the ceiling with a sharp insomnia causing her thoughts to spiral and her attention being drawn to the realization someone was sleeping next to her.
Brook's body was soft and warm against hers. She had must have pulled on a sleeping gown after Linsan had passed out and the soft silk brushed against Linsan's naked body. The snores and occasional moan of discomfort drifted past as her friend shifted in her sleep.
Below, she could hear the last of the celebration. An occasional loud voice rose up but otherwise it was quiet. Even the din of conversations outside had gone silent.
Despite that, Linsan was wide awake. She turned on her side until she was propped up on one elbow and watching over Brook. Her rear hung over the edge of the bed, reminding her how cramped it was on the narrow bed. The cooler air against the back of her legs and buttocks was a welcomed contrast to the heat of her proximity.
Linsan tried to go back to sleep. Her eyes fluttered close but then something outside made a noise and her thoughts sharpened again. Sighing, she looked over Brook's body and wondered what was wrong with her.
Despite their intimacy, there wasn't any sudden swell of emotion for Brook. She had years of listening to poets and playwrights wax poetically about love, trying to describe it in terms of light, thoughts, and flowery terms. But Linsan didn't feel any of that. There was longing for Brook's touch but not a hungry lust for another round.
What she did know is that she wanted to stay close to Brook. Not sexually, but for the intimacy. Linsan didn't have many friends in her life, not with her haunted by the fire and her visits to the valley. She spent much of her time walking or playing her instruments alone, occasionally with her parents or brief moments with other musicians. But she had never experienced a deep longing to simply be with someone like Brook. To be in her presence and see the world with her nearby. She wanted to find Dukan's murderers and couldn't imagine doing it without Brook next to her.
Linsan shook her head and sighed. She had spent most of her life surrounded by some of the most beautiful people possible. She had seen actresses and actors both dolled up to stun crowds and she had seen them without their makeup. There were countless times of seeing them naked, accidentally stumbling into a coupling, or watching someone steal away for a moment of pleasure. She heard love-making and hate fucking, naughty whispers and epic ballads.
Those declarations of love in its many forms left her with the same feeling that echoed in her head while inches away from the first lover in her bed: a quiet detachment. It reminded when her mother told Linsan how Sian played an instrument: with his thoughts and not his heart. After experiencing it, Linsan knew she was feeling the same. Sex was in her head, but she didn't play with her heart.
Rolling on her back, she let her left leg drop to the ground and sighed.
Brook jerked and lifted her head. “Lin? What's wrong?”
Linsan cringed. She didn't want to ruin Brook's enjoyment. It was clear that her friend had been struggling with her attraction to women and she deserved someone who could give her the passion and pleasure that she wanted. A lover who didn't feel cold with the idea of crawling back under the blankets. She closed her eyes tightly and steeled herself, she could lie to Brook until someone else comes.
“Lin?” Brook's voice grew louder as she rolled over, then inched forward. Then she cleared her throat. “I saw your eyes open. Talk to me, please?” The last words came out pleading.
With guilt rising up, Linsan opened her eyes and turned her head.
Brook was resting with the side of her head on the pillow as she stared directly at Linsan. Her eyes were wide in the dark as her pupils flickered to take in Linsan's face and body.
Linsan couldn't lie to her. She swallowed to ease her dry throat. “Sorry.”
Brook's eyes narrowed.
Guilt slammed into Linsan again. She wished she had her mother's ability to put on a role to hide her true thoughts and emotions.
“Lin, what's wrong?”
Linsan shook her head. Her chest was hurting again and she squirmed.
Brook lifted herself on her elbow, brushed her hair from her ear, and then rested on her palm. “Something is wrong. Are you r-regretting what we just did?”
Seeing the shimmering eyes in the light, Linsan shook her head vigorously. “I don't regret it. Not at all.” She just wasn't interesting it doing it again.
“Did it not feel good?”
“It felt good.”
“But…” Brook sniffed as a tear ran down her cheek. “Do you want to leave?”
“No!” Linsan barked, but the idea of slipping away was instantly appealing.
Brook jumped.
Linsan whimpered as she realized she had sat up. A blush burned on her cheeks. “I mean, I don't want to ever leave you.”
She gulped and continued, “I-I was just thinking about how… happy I've been that you and I have stopped fighting. I was so scared to go off on my own—”
“Me too,” whispered Brook.
“And then how my heart ached when I saw you driving off back in New Brunil when you drove away.”
Brook frowned. She started to speak but Linsan interrupted her.
“That lady I was riding with, Maril, she knew you were coming back because she said it was the Couple's Will. And then you did and I realized I was so happy to see you.”
Tears began to shimmer in Brook's eyes.
Linsan rushed forward, afraid that she was leading up to breaking Brook's heart. “And how happy I was that you drove back. And… and everything that happened after that has been some of the greatest moments of my life.”
“Even falling into the pit?”
“Even…” Linsan cleared her throat. “Okay, that was horrible. It still hurts and my body is throbbing, but I also remember how much my heart broke seeing you crying and all I wanted to do was be there for you for the rest of my life.”
Brook held up her hand. Then she braced herself to push herself into a kneeling position. One hand tugged her gown down to her knee. “Okay, I think—”
Reaching out, Linsan grabbed Brook's warm hand. “Look, Brook. I know we've fought over the years and there was some bad blood, but since you and I have…. since we found each other, I have never felt safer… more protected… and sure of myself than ever before.”
Brook's breath grew sharper. She shifted her leg, bringing is closer to her body. Her shoulders slumped slightly as her eyes glistened. She had barely moved but somehow she had taken on an entirely different demeanor, one that worried Linsan.
Linsan struggled with the words, trying to find the right thing to say but her words kept spilling out as she felt like she was falling off the bed, “I… there are number of plays I can quote but…”
She wiped the tears from her eyes. “I don't want to lose you. You are my friend, one that I have bled for and fought for. When it comes to anyone in the world, there is no other person I would trust more than you.”
“You are trying too hard.”
Linsan froze at the sharp words.
Brook toyed with the edge of the blanket, her eyes dipping down. “I know what this sounds like. Daddy talked like that when he didn't want to tell me something. He used the same tone whenever there was bad news.” Brook's tears glittered on her cheeks as she tugged lightly on her hand but then left it in Linsan's grip. She used her other hand to wipe her cheeks as the blanket slipped off her shoulder. “But… you don't want me, do you?”
Linsan desperately wished she could lie but all she could think about were the characters that echoed through her head warning her about the consequences. They inundated her thoughts with possible futures, each one played out on stages through her entire life. She would have to keep up with the deception every time she bedded Brook, then make another lie to keep her happy, and then another to hid her discomfort. It would only be a matter of time until she was giving fake smiles like Baron Narkil when he looked at his wife. Or the complicated machinations of Kalis in Maiden, Mother, Murderer. The way Mabel's face would fall whenever her sister turned away. They were specific characters played by amazing actors, each one showing the extent the deceptions had to go. Then, as the stage had proved time and time again, it was always worse when those lies shattered relationships.
Linsan's chest burned inside her. She struggled to breath as she looked helplessly at Brook while struggling to clear her mind and think for herself, not through the plays that she had always counted on to explain life.
“D-Don't you?” Brook asked, her voice cracking.
It felt like a knife had been shoved into Linsan's rib cage. Her chest ached and it was hard to breathe. She grabbed the blanket with her free hand, finding it hard to come up with words. It took all of her effort to force each one one out. “I… don't think I like anyone in that way. I just didn't realize that until now.”
Brook inhaled sharply, a low whimper rising out of her throat.
Linsan flinched. While the words expressed her thoughts, they sounded harsh and cruel when they came out.
Shaking her head, Brook yanked her hand free and dragged more of the blankets, bunching it between them before dragging it up to her chest. Tears glistened on her cheeks as she whimpered.
Linsan's eyes burned with her own tears. She reached out. “Brook—”
Brook smacked her hand away. “N-No!”
Linsan flinched.
“I… I….” No other words came out. Brook's sobs bubbled up, small pops of sorrow.
Linsan didn't know what to do, didn't know what to say. She could feel the knife twisting more in her chest and the only thing she could think about was running away as fast as she could.
Calibo had offered space in his wagon. It wasn't the best place, but it wasn't in Brook's room. He wouldn't make her chest hurt and her tongue struggle to say the right words.
She looked around until she saw her pack on the ground near the door. Grabbing everything, she turned away from Brook and quickly dressed.
Brook continued to sob, tugging on her blankets.
Linsan felt her own tears burning her eyes. Why didn't she know what to say? There had to be some play or story that she could use, but her memory refused to give her as respite and she was left hanging.
As soon as she was dressed, she stood up sharply.
“W-Where are you going?” whispered Brook.
Linsan froze, unsure of what to say. She opened her mouth to speak but then closed it again. “I… I'm sorry. I-I know I ruined… I just ruined everything and… I'm sorry. I think it would be best if I see if Cal has room in his wagon.”
Brook's sob filled the room. “You aren't going to leave me, are you?”
The pitiful sound tore Linsan's heart.
Linsan had to wipe the tears from her eyes. She leaned on the door, staring at the wood. “No, never. Just… we can talk tomorrow.”
Brook said nothing. She pulled the blankets across the mattress to wrap around her as she buried her face into the pillow. Her muted sobs rose up.
Linsan closed her eyes tightly, feeling the tears dripping down her face.
When Brook said nothing else, Linsan left the room with the pain driving into her stomach. She closed the door behind her, listening for it to latch. Then she groaned and leaned against the wall. “I should have just lied to her for the rest of my life.”
She knew she could turn back, but the rope had been already burned. Feeling broken and terrible, she staggered down the hall and onto the first floor.
The bar was quiet but the outside door was only latched, not locked. She slipped out and looked at a half dozen wagons surrounding the public house. There were sounds of loud snores and farts and belches among the buzz of insects and sounds of nocturnal creatures. The smell of stale beer and spirits hung in the air along with the sharp scent of wood smoke. Near the forge, she saw an orange light flickering from underneath the bottom of the heavy blanket that covered the door. The light glinted off the wheels of Cal's heavy wagon.
Linsan headed over. As she approach, she whispered, “Cal?”
“Here,” he said from the front of the wagon. He was sitting on one of the benches, a bottle of spirits in his hand as he stared up at the sky. His eyes were hidden in the dark but she could hear a strain in his voice.
“May I… sleep here tonight?”
“Fight with your girl?”
Linsan's heart ripped a little more. “She isn't my girl. I mean… I don't think she is anymore.”
He grunted. “I've been there. You don't have to explain yourself. Of course you can sleep here. Crawl up the side and use my bedroll. It's set up right behind me.” He slapped the boards behind his seat.
“What about you?”
He sighed. “I'm not sleeping tonight. Too many memories have been planted in this old head of mine and tonight the weeds are growing quickly.”
He held up his bottle. “Not even drinking, but holding the bottle is better than sucking on my thumb or picking a fight. Right now, everything tastes like sweat and ash.” He shuddered. “I hate the taste of ash in the air,” he murmured.
“Are you sure it's okay?” Linsan said as she glanced back to the public house. She didn't want to go back, but she also didn't want to sleep on the ground.
He patted the back of his seat and pointed down to where his bags were. “Don't worry, I'll watch over you tonight. I promise. You'll be safe.”
Somehow, Linsan trusted him. Or she was too tired to be cautious. Either way, she crawled into his blankets and was asleep before her head hit the roll of clothes that made up his pillow.